your assets?

so i recently stepped out of a contraption called a monokini--for those of you who don't know, that is a one piece swimsuit with so many scandalous cut-outs that it is sexier than your average bikini--and i thought of an interview that i read with eva mendes where she said she has to be careful what she wears because her curves can turn innocent stuff into scandlous stuff. i have definitely said that before! even a crewneck tshirt can look like a seduction tool when the twins are involved. . .and let's not talk about tank tops! and after some squats and some praying, i have developed a 'dunk to go with the twins--it's got nothing on my friend 'queen dunk' but it's enough to make random guys think it might talk back to them as i walk by. so anyway, i decided that i have, um, too much volume in my lady lumps to wear the monokini outside the house. . .this 'event' coupled with a friend's blog i just read entitled, "do men respect women with fat asses" (i don't curse, but that's what it's called!) made me think about thick being 'in' but is it really?
i think most women know what it feels like to be objectified in the work place--if you're anywhere near cute, some man is going make you feel like you're his eye candy, even if you're more credentialed than he is and haven't done anything to warrant such attention. somehow those button down shirts don't really take the girls into account and there will be gaping at some of the buttons or those straight cut slacks will hug a little on your behind and thighs. . .and someone is bound to notice. ever since i started working i've been aware of men having conversations with my breasts, or arranging 'meetings' where they asked whether i was married or wanted to have lunch or whatever when i just came to work. being a woman in a man's world is hard work. . .
if you're a video girl, or otherwise sell your body--working what you got to get what you want--i suppose having ample bosoms and buttocks is truly, um, an asset. but if you're not and you live in the real world, are they somewhat a gift and a curse? i mean, of course you should be proud of what you have--there are girls paying to get breasts and butts every day! but other than the way you fill out that party dress, how your man likes that extra 'jiggle' or the times you want the attention (face it ladies, we have a double standard here--sometimes we want people to notice how pretty we are or what we have), i wonder if i'm the only one who sometimes thinks these extra parts can just . . .get in the way.

book review: michelle by liza mundy *spoiler alert(?)*

(can you really spoil a famous person's person's biography?)i finished the book a little while ago, but i wanted to get my thoughts together before writing. so. i liked the book--it was a biography so it got a little slow in places and it's not an authorized biography (which gave me pause about even buying it initially) so you could tell that the author was really reaching for people to talk to to help shape the story in parts. but overall, it was a pretty good biography. it sucked me in in the beginning because it was talking about chicago (my honorary hometown) and chicago politics during the time period in which michelle grew up. her story was not super-interesting, partly because we've heard a lot of it before, but the author did a good job of tying pieces together, getting quotes from people, and surveying the media coverage of her (you get the impression that she almost stalkerishly lived, ate, breathed michelle to write this book).
once again, i was impressed by how much michelle and i seem to have in common and so when the author got to the part about michelle at princeton or in law school and the way she generally felt like a fish out of water until she found her niche, either with other black people or with a particular cause, i could relate. there wasn't a lot about her time in law school other than the clinic work she did and the one, completely useless quote from someone who sat next to her in a class on race who said 'she didn't say much in class but she seemed like an affable person' or something like that. thanks.
and i was upset, but not surprised when the white people with whom she worked and the white man who introduced her to the firm said they were disappointed in her when she later criticized the firm and said she didn't like being there. as if they could speak to her experience and say what she should have felt about that environment. ugh. i also got tired of the random white people quoted saying 'she's so funny'. something about that doesn't sit right to me. lol. i know it's well documented that she is witty and can make people laugh, but when when one of the only things a white person can say about someone so personable, educated, and overall impressive is that she's funny, it makes me think they've missed something and shouldn't be quoted.
i think my favorite part was when the author talked about the obama groupies and panty flingers. michelle has the attitude that if someone can come between them then they must not have had very much at all. . .the other side of her calm, cool, collected answer is that everyone who knows them says he knows she would leave him, actually she would kill him first, then she would leave him (as one source put it). he simply says it wouldn't be worth it to cheat on her--which is sweet and noble, but now we know there's a little bit of fear behind those words! lol.
so anyway, of course the book ends before the election. it's funny how it shows how she went from being against the whole politics thing, to reluctantly involved, to very enthusiastically involved, then censoredly involved as the campaign had to 'handle' her and her image. so all in all it was informative and as interesting as possible, i'm sure there will be another one about her as first lady. . .hmm, what else:

betcha didn't know:

• sasha's (the youngest daughter) real name is natasha--they just shortened it and call her sasha at home--and now so do we!
  
• they have a rule--michelle is allowed to poke fun at him in public (not picking up socks, leaving the butter out, etc) but he isn't allowed to to do the same to her
  
• he proposed to her in a restaurant (during the middle of one of her many rantings about how they should get married) by having the waiter bring the ring out on a plate as 'dessert'
  
• they have talked about effecting change and helping to change the country for the better since they first met, but she didn't know that he wanted to do it through politics (the book does a good job of explaining why she was wary of politics). and his early political career caused a significant strain on their relationship. on their annual christmas trip in 1999 they were barely on speaking terms.
• when he made his show-stealing speech at the dnc in 2004 he could barely rent a car to get there--their credit cards were maxed out (i was worried about our first black pres having bad credit, but after that speech the royalties from the first book came flooding in along with a $2 million dollar advance for what would become the audacity of hope)

what i appreciated most/learned from michelle by reading this book:
to my credit, i was pretty much there on my own--anyone who's ever been in a relationship with me has heard me say 'i can't change you or what you do or make you do anything and i won't try, but i can and will change me and what i do, so let me know what you're going to do and i'll adjust myself accordingly'. it saves you a lot of pain, wasted time, and wasted energy if you adopt this approach to dealing with people who aren't your children. lol.
anyway, michelle came to a revelation during their time of not speaking, her being angry and miserable at his absence and even more miserable at his presence, and her time of feeling tricked into being a single parent. she decided to create her happiness. she says she "had to stop being angry and expecting him to change, and focus instead on how she could gain control and extract happiness out of her life." she asked herself "how do i structure my world so that it works for me and i'm not trying to get him to be what i think he should be." she realized that even when he was doing his best when he was at home trying to be a father and husband, it wasn't enough to keep her happy and sane and instead of asking for the impossible of their current situation and being mad that he wasn't making her happy, she decided to make herself happy. she figured out what she needed and that she didn't necessarily need him to be the one doing it--if she needed alone time away from the kids, instead of being mad that he couldn't give it to her, she asked her mom to watch the kids. she was getting what she needed without banging her head against a brick wall. and i hate to generalize, but she did and it helped her. she says she realized that men, all men, put themselves first and everything else after whereas women are more likely to put themselves near the bottom of their own lists.
once she made her revelations and put things into action, she was happier, her household was happier, and it opened up the opportunity for him to become the president--if she hadn't had that revelation, there would be no president barack obama and his adoring family. either he would have been at the top without michelle, or they would be together and he would be in private practice somewhere.
anyway, this is for all ladies in relationships (and even those looking for relationships) from michelle obama (and this poem i like): take control of your own happiness and don't blame him for your unhappiness. don't expect him to fulfill all of your needs or make yourself miserable because your needs aren't being met. extract your own happiness, "plant your own garden and decorate your own soul, instead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers."

brrr!

it is widely known that i am not fond of the cold. my people are a tropical people and so i'm one of the only people who isn't complaining when it's nearly 100 degrees in the summertime bc i'd rather that than winter. besides the freeeeeezing weather outside that makes it hard to get out of bed (and makes staying in the office a little longer seem like a good idea), the darkness at 5 pm, and the mess that is snow and ice, it is super hard to be cute in the cold. by the time you've added 5-7 lbs in layering and debated whether it is safe to wear heels, you no longer feel like going through the effort to attain fabulosity (good thing it's in my blood and therefore unavoidable) or going outside period.
anyway, after i found myself cheering at the fact that it was a measly 44 degrees outside when i left for work (as opposed to the 24 of last week) and talking to my friend about how the high where she lives was only 17 degrees (that is not a temperature! that is a date on the calendar!) i was reminded that every year i say there are only 5 good things about the winter/cold, but i can never name them all at the same time, so i've decided to list them here:

• carol's daughter body butter. my favorite is ecstasy. i look forward to the scent and feel-good moisturizing of this product to cheer me up on those stupid winter days that threaten to turn me into a dry, cracked raisin.
• peppermint hot chocolate. i first tried it at starbucks and i fell in love. this is such a grown up twist on an old favorite. . .or maybe it's not so grown up. doesn't matter to me.
• cashmere. i have always had expensive taste. cashmere is my winter splurge. it is so soft and warm, it makes you almost glad--almost--to have a reason to wear it
• flannel sheets. they make it even harder to get out of the bed in the morning! and when you get in the bed they are already warm and soft and waiting for you!
• fireplaces/the smell of fireplaces. it's just a comforting feeling. i'm all about nostalgia. and i could stare at a fire in a fireplace forever.

okay, so now my list is down. my silver lining to this cloud. sigh.

movie comment: cadillac records

k. so i saw the movie. . .
i was so impressed! i guess because i didn't expect it to be good (i actually cringed in anticipation of beyonce's first line when she came on the scene) but i really liked it! adrian brody was great. the surprise (to me) appearance of cedric the entertainer is always welcome. jeffrey wright was (and is always) great--you can tell he really studied muddy waters! beyonce held her own--they made her sing more than they let her talk, but when she was talking, she got over that tendency she has to sound like she's reading. you can tell she really tried to channel the emotions of each scene. although i have to say, beyonce is and always will be beyonce. her 'people' have put us on so much beyonce overload that she will never be able to transcend her beyonce-ness the way jamie foxx was able to stop being jamie foxx and actually become ray charles. when i look at her, i see beyonce--no matter how many etta mannerisms she studied and adopted. which kinda sucks for any potential acting career she may have wanted. sorry b!
anyway, i really liked it and was intrigued bc i only knew a little about these people--muddy waters, chuck berry, etta james are people i know to respect but didn't know their stories (to my credit, i do have 2 etta james songs on my ipod). and i hadn't even heard of little walter (who knew columbus short was that cute??) or howlin' wolf. it was a very entertaining movie. i barely got the wiggles that i get whenever i see a movie in the theater (i have always had an issue with doing nothing but sitting and staring at a screen for 2 + hours). it was a learning experience for me!
in order to enjoy this movie, you have to realize what it is and what it isn't. it is the story of the rise and peak of cadillac/chess records. it isn't the etta james story, the leonard chess story, the chuck berry story, etc. it isn't a story about the time period that all this was happening in. so you will be left wanting more context and more details about the lives of these individuals. you only learn enough about them to either know their contribution to the label, their motivations, their weaknesses/tragic story, and maybe their downfall if it occured at the same time as the peak of the label. they couldn't fit everyone's story in that short timespan, but it was great for telling the story it was trying to tell. i also think i just love the feel of the music from that time period, it made me want to have the soundtrack and an etta james album by the time it was all over with. the bf says it was too much of a musical not to be a musical. . .i think you couldn't tell the story without the music, but that doesn't necessarily mean it had to be a musical! idk, maybe i liked it bc i didn't expect much, but i definitely liked it. you have to go see it. . .even if you don't love it, you won't hate it.
this, ladies and gentlemen, is the history of rock and roll. . .

ps- pay very close attention to your ticket. they are doing that thing again where they don't give the movie its sales--my mom's ticket was for the transporter movie, or something like that.

power to the people?

my thoughts have been provoked by the news of the dismal opening of the movie cadillac records. i admit that i had very little interest in seeing this movie in theaters. i love beyonce as a singer and performer in that capacity, but her acting has always left much to be desired--as does almost anything where i have to listen to her talk, unfortunately. i hadn't heard much about the movie--i read more posts about the cast and premiere parties in blogs than i've seen commercials for the movie. but i felt guilty when i heard about the poor showing at the opening. this movie had black star power--jeffrey wright, gabrielle union, the mighty mos def (swoon!), and of course beyonce (who gained weight for the role--you guys know how hard it is for that girl to stay in shape, so this was a super important role!) and it chronicled the rise of chess records, which gave us important black singers like etta james and muddy waters. in short, the movie was black history and pretty much coonery free--it portrayed the kind of images of black people that we say the big (and small) screen is lacking. so why weren't we out in droves to support it? this is the same problem the great debaters, eve's bayou, and other movies about black firsts/history have.
i get it. people like to laugh, comedies tend to do well across the board. but in a barack obama era--why can't we pull large audiences without shucking and jiving, killing each other, a man in a dress, cooning, or movies produced by a man in a dress? white people have always loved to laugh at us--we were allowed to entertain them long before we were allowed to drink from the same water fountain as they were. and true to form, they will still turn out in droves to see movies where we are cooning, thus inflating the box office numbers . . .i'm not really talking about them, but about us. we can't complain about bet, mtv, and other derogatory forms of black entertainment if we won't support the few times someone breaks through and can get funding for a movie that shows us in a positive light. if as many of us would have put secret lives of bees at the top of our priority list the way we did sex and the city, it would have done much better. if we were as excited to see denzel in the great debaters as we were to see him in training day, we would have been sending a message. we aren't doing a good job of letting studio executives know that we mean it when we say we want to see positive black images and we don't need a laugh track or a punchline to support it.
therefore, i will suck it up and go see cadillac records. it might not mean much, but it makes me feel like i'm doing my part so i can feel good about complaining about the lack of real, positive 'us' to go with my popcorn

barack my world!

so i'm in the middle of reading michelle obama's biography (review coming later) and besides learning how much we have in common (thus earning me the nickname "mini-michelle") it made me think about how she has become a role model for so many black women. black women are and will be stepping up their respective game to be seen as a 'michelle'. they may even have to update webster's to let the world know what it means to be a michelle! my friends and i talk about her at length and one of my friends, who i will call cocoa kitty, even wrote a note where she aptly and eloquently ponders the real question for so many successful black women looking for their complement:

"I wonder am I strong enough on my own yet submissive enough to allow the right man to lead our future family and me? It’s a balance that the self-described “mom-in-chief” has gracefully achieved. She hasn’t given up who she is to let her man shine. Best friends for sixteen years, her light helps him shine. I’m sure he’d tell you that any day of the week. "

all of this makes me proud, but it also makes me wonder. . .are there enough baracks for all the aspiring michelles? so this post isn't so much about how to become a michelle, but more about if the guys we date could really handle a michelle--despite the fact that they are saying that's what they're looking for. i'm not talking about the obvious--she is one tall glass of water (taller than the average man), she graduated from two ivy league schools, and when she was working she made close to a half a million dollars a year--these things alone are intimidating, but that's not what i'm talking about.

we see all of the adorable loving pictures of michelle and barack. their love is real, their family is strong, and you know that she admires and supports him. . .but what you may or may not know is that he has earned every bit of that admiration and support and continues to have to do so. michelle is not easily impressed. there are stories about how she treated her suitors before barack. . .most romances were short lived. she didn't take anybody's crap and was looking for someone who was worthy of her and what she had to offer. pause there ladies--did you hear that? she didn't stoop, make excuses, or lower her standards so that she wouldn't have to be alone. better yet, did you hear that gentlemen--if you were late for a date without calling, couldn't hold an intelligent conversation, or had no ambitions or passion, michelle wasn't going to wait around for you to get yourself together. and the thing is, she wasn't materialistic--she didn't expect for you to make the same amount of money she did, or have the same educational pedigree or familial background as she had. i'm sure you've heard that barack used to drive her around in a car with a hole rusted in the floor--and she smiled and watched the ground go by as they chatted. she knew to look for what really counted. . .and when she found it, she knew it! barack was trying to be the typical 'intelligent male' and would go on and on about how marriage was a superficial institution and all that really mattered was how they felt about each other--michelle wasn't trying to hear that. she let him know what she wanted and clearly she got it. (can you believe b thought he was going to get away with that? you betta put a ring on it!)
and he also jokes about how she told him that he couldn't take for granted that he had her vote for the presidency--she told him he'd have to earn it! he knows he can look to her for support, but that she's also going to tell it like it is. . .she is just as quick to yank off the rose-colored glasses as she is to rub his head after a long day. she's been criticized for being emasculating (code for not letting him play the victim or toot his own horn for too long), and it is kinda funny to hear him say things like 'yes, she said 'congratulations on becoming the first black president--you're taking the kids to school in the morning, right?'' or to see her check him in interviews ('umm, when was washing the dishes ever soothing for you??'). but you know when he lays down beside her at night he knows that her love is real, that when she says 'good job' she means it, and when she played mariah's 'hero' backstage before the election results that he really is her hero--and that ain't no small thing.
if you know like i know, you know that a lot of men need coddling. they don't care if they're really doing a good job as long as you tell them they are. they get defensive if you criticize them, they let their past issues keep them from present success, and some of them even get envious if you begin to outshine them. they love that 'she got her own' until 'her own' is more than theirs. forget dishwashing being soothing--they will cop an attitude if you ask them to do domestic work. they want to collect the gold stars and brag about being the man. . .but don't want to put in the work and don't want you to call them on it. if you point out ways they can improve, you're trying to 'change them' and if you don't support every pipe dream ('sweetie, i don't know if it's a good idea to quit your job and try to start a rap career at 40. . .') then you are an evil, nagging, dream crusher. sadly, many of the nasty stereotypes about black women come from our own brothers--the ones who couldn't recognize their michelle because she was wrapped in that hard exterior to protect herself from the world and they were too lazy to work to get to the softness in the middle, too complacent to let her help their shine, and too scared of having their player card revoked by their friends to settle down and build a family. there is something to be said and understood about the fact that she loves you the way you are. . .but loves you too much to leave you that way. every man is not going to be a barack in the sense of being the first black president, the first black editor of the harvard law review, or being able to speak to move crowds. . .but they can be more barack-like. recognize that you're not perfect and the woman you love knows that better than anyone, let her shine up your armor by pointing out the dents; come to her for the comfort that only she can give, but also come to her for the knowledge and understanding that she has that is different from yours; and be man enough to want to have to earn her love and respect. understand that if all she ever does is agree with you and tell you how great you are, she's doing you a huge disservice. pressure makes diamonds--not rubbing the coal with a gentle cloth.